Fighting your own life and making your own rules.
Bruising your present trying to renew your past.
I want you to see that living backwards, living without just.. just isn’t for us.
How can you hurt someone you witness only attempting to better themselves?
Why do you deserve to breathe if that’s all you think your heart is for?
You cannot inhale or exhale without someone loving you.
You cannot love someone or be loved without inhaling or exhaling.
You must recognize your own cycle, your own purpose..
Acknowledge life. Allow life and Accept life.
I’m just saying I know you don’t sleep alone.
I didn’t drink the night I saw two heads sharing one pillow and intertwined like they could mold themselves into a red vine, just from four glasses of wine. Smokey vibes, Im guessing before bed you got her high. More for your entertainment than for her amusement. I was actually awaiting the moment you would snatch her energy and abuse it.
I was stealing precious moments from the both of you, moments you intended to spend alone. I was being a thief that night, sober and harmless but I was armed. I had your hand prints around my waistline.. where they used to hold me securely, I was wired at my temples with memories of nights we used to spend just like that and my protection wouldn’t be complete without the kisses you left on my lips. What about the kisses you left on my lips? They’re fading away each time you lay your lips upon hers, im becoming defenseless and weak. Im falling to the ground, grasping myself, suffocating in disbelief. You will die inside of me tonight and you will never know but I will die outside of your window for you to find as you open it to take in a new breath of air. You will see me lying there and place your hands on my waistline to carry me and put your temple to mine as you recall a brief overview of our time spent together, for the last time you will place your lips on mine allowing me to take back the very strength you took from me.
I’m sleeping alone.
I’m aware that I know everything about nothing and nothing about everything.
The night alarms are silenced and the morning panic has faded. Peace has been declared and my mind is in the pink. The sensations bolting through my chest are real and I’m infused with scents of rebirthed souls and seeing clear through..the vision of.. my future, or ours?
If I could hold you, a little while longer..
Maybe before bed, before breakfast, or in between nightmares.
If you could hold me a little longer..
Perhaps after a party, after hanging with the guys, or in between a bed full of others.
My grip would be stronger, so if ever we’re apart you still couldn’t escape.
Your grip has always been longer. I knew you still had a hold on me.
..I’m still trying to leave.
What do I need you for, if you’re just going to buy me things I can purchase on my own?
I was never naive. I knew before you did.
Knew you would hurt me, knew you would lie, knew you would be unfair, knew the things you would hide. You came in with blind eyes, you had no idea.. that one day you’d leave me and leave me in pieces. You knew it was love, for you at least. I knew to hold back, to never release.. anything I was tempted to feel, EVERYTHING.. no matter how real. You were my victim, heartbroken before the end. I saw how things would play out, knew I’d only end up as your friend. I was selfish to keep you, to withhold you from your truth.. I apologize. Our mirror love is gone, what you did I did back to you and for that cycle we had no chance.. but if only you knew.
For the very last time last night, I witnessed you in my dream- my last dream.
Dreams would no longer be worthy of the tiltle after experiencing your leaving from them.
A hidden note, a disguised message you read to me as I tried to touch you for the first of this last time with you. Although you stood at a distance with the least interest towards me, paying no mind, not giving a single glance, speaking no words with your mouth or expressions - I still reached out for you. Hoping that staring clear through you would make you notice me, this last time. I read the message and burned it soon after, assuming negligence was burning with it, but the warmth I searched for in your eyes only added heat to the flame. In reality chaos was going on around me, I was afraid to open my eyes. I didn’t want to leave you, though you’d already left me. I was under the impression for all of this time that my dream was the only place you couldn’t steal yourself away from me, I was wrong. Just like you slipped through my fingers once, you proved you’d do it again- for this last time. I risked opening my eyes this morning, with the painful realization that you’re gone. I reread your note, registered in the back of my mind “don’t come looking”, I didn’t cry- I’ll save those tears for the disappointment of you not coming back tonight.
I walk on fire, my spirit is the beam.
This confidence that’s on my skin, I can’t take off.
It’s glowing and giving off shimmer, even in the dark.
I didn’t ask to be seen. Only needed to be heard.
My voice is dry, no flicker, no flare.
Domineering my way through the flood of still flesh, just to be the tongue of volume.
Refusing to subscribe to the code of this noxious world.
I am not the cure to worriment, I AM THE THE RESTORATIVE FOR MY OWN ANIMA.